July 24 2017

7/24/2017  3:30 am-  up since 2:15 am

     I don’t sleep through the night anymore.  I used to be able to watch TV, CSI Miami or Law and Order and it would help put me back to sleep but it doesn’t work anymore.  Part of it might be that I do not have a job per se, and so my mind and body are not that tired, and yet, today, I wore myself out physically and mentally helping my parents continue to unpack and put stuff away, had 2 glasses of wine when I came home, slept for 3 hours and now I am wide awake.  I don’t know why.  It kind of pisses me off, because I love sleep.  And I also know that by not sleeping, my body is not able to repair itself to its best ability.  So, whatever or whomever is causing me not to sleep, I would appreciate it if you would let me know what you would like me to do instead of sleep.  If it is a book I am supposed to write, then please let me write it so I can get back to sleep! 

     Sleep used to be my escape from life.  I guess I do not need to escape from anything now, because I have a pretty good life.  Yeah, I am still overweight and instead of wanting to lose that last “10 pounds”, I now want to lose that last “50” pounds.  Well, maybe not even that much, maybe just 30.  I just want to feel comfortable in my body again.  And I want to look in the mirror and love the person looking back, although I don’t think I have done that since I was a small girl.  I’m not ugly by any means, but have never been a looker either.  I was enough of a looker for my husband to marry me, and have a few boyfriends, but besides that, nothing special.  But I would still love to love the image I have taken as this human body.  I have plenty of tools, a free exercise room, pool, yoga on the web, walking around the apartments, not putting junk in my body, but honestly, I get bored of all that stuff.  And I am a little lazy.  Of course, that is a matter of opinion.  I am sure there are plenty of people who think I am very lazy, I don’t like to clean house or cook so I don’t make the best housewife.  There are different levels of clean and out of a 1-10 scale, 10 being the cleanest, our place is probably a 6.  I vacuum and dust once a week  and keep the dishes washed, but I am not scrubbing counters or floors.  The cooking thing has a lot to do with growing up and dinner time not being pleasant, plus why spend all that time cooking, then 10 minutes eating it, and then clean up time again.  I love casseroles and slow cookers, where you can dump all the ingredients together and not worry about it, and less clean up, but with only my husband and I now, casseroles do not work as then we are eating the same thing for a week.

     Eating doesn’t pleasure me as much as it used to.  And although I still emotional eat sometimes, it is certainly not as rampant as before.  Again, this may have to do with the fact that I do not have the stresses of a job right now, but I have noticed that instead of eating the whole bag of chips, I can usually just have 5 or 6 and that satiates the desire, whatever that desire is.  I do not eat much chocolate anymore and I used to shovel that into my mouth.  So, you would think for not eating much, I would not have a problem with my body weight, but I am pretty sure that since menopause, my metabolism has slowed to a crawl.  Before when I lost a lot of weight, I would starve myself and exercise 4 hours a day, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.  I look around and I see other woman my age, in about my same shape or maybe even a little more portly, and I don’t see them as overweight or ugly. 

     My husband and I watch reruns of Johnny Carson, and Roslyn Carter was on, it was an episode from the summer of 1979. She was such a hoot to watch.  Said what she wanted to, but with grace and humor.  I am sure she was handful when she was younger, or maybe she found her power later in life.  I do not remember much of her son’s, Jimmy Carter, presidency, I was in high school then and had more important things to think about. I do remember my parents talking about him, and not liking him because he was a Democrat and they were and are staunch Republicans.  From what I remember about him though, I think he was a President with heart, and only wanted the best, and did not really have an “agenda”.  But, then again,  I am sure there are plenty who would disagree.  He did a lot of good with the Habitat for Humanity, which is more than I can for most of the recent presidents.  I don’t do politics.  To me, it is just like middle school, constant power plays, deals being made, secret meetings.  I guess it keeps them all very busy.  It is 4:12 and my body has decided it wants to try and go to sleep again.  Ciao for now.